Eating healthy with the power of salad.
While salad was originally considered to be a side dish composed primarily of raw leafy greens, a salad nowadays can be almost anything below room temperature tossed in a bowl. Pasta. Potato. Ambrosia. All salads, therefore: All healthy!
Below are some of our new favourite salad recipes that you can enjoy guilt-free!
1 cup of chopped up hotdogs
1 cup bacon, crumbled
1 cup of grated cheddar
Dressing: Half a bottle of ranch
Stir together in a large bowl. Serve using salad tongs.
1 cup of crushed cookies (your choice)
Dressing: 1 can of whipped cream
In a salad bowl, spray whipped cream directly onto cookies. Serve with a sprig of mint.
Ice Cream Salad
2 cups of ice cream
Scoop into a bowl. Eat. Salad!
I’ve been getting a lot of spam from scammers lately. Reading these eloquently constructed, high concept emails, I’m starting to understand why they are called scam “artists”. They truly are masters of the written word. I still think they could benefit from the guidance of an expert in the craft, however, so I’ve taken the liberty below to critique these pieces and provide helpful feedback that they could incorporate to make their very-true stories even more compelling (and grammatically correct)…
Dr. Mikko Juho needs some serious grammatical help for his VERY IMPORTANT MATTER:
Before Ally Berg can be friends/companions/pen pals, she’ll need to focus on proofreading:
Mr (sic) Anvanith Gui has some issues with specificity:
This week I failed.
On Monday, I found out that a feature-length script I wrote didn’t advance to the semifinals of the BlueCat Screenplay Competition.
When I saw I didn’t advance, I expected a sting in the place I squirrel away my sense of self worth, but it didn’t come. The next day, I expected to wake up feeling defeated, but I woke up feeling amped. None of it made sense.
I walked out to get some grocery store sushi and contemplate this lack of negative emptiness. An embarrassingly awesome pop song rolled onto my playlist and I found myself literally dancing in the street like I just won the standing long jump at my 9th grade track meet. It still made no sense.
I dug down. I riffled around in my emotions like they were inside the goddamned Tickle Trunk. I found the answer: Failure isn’t bad.
This failure, in fact, was actually disguised as a small success. It meant that, although I didn’t advance to the semifinals, I made it to the quarterfinals. Out of 3272 scripts, mine was one of 272 selected. Pretty rad, amirite? Before they announced the semifinalists, I went back and reread the feedback that was included as part of the entry fee. It was positive and validating, in spite of the fact that I didn’t advance.
In my rooting around, I also realized that failure is just one step on the long road to success. No one has ever succeeded without failing first. It takes a million gillion hours of working your ass off to make it to the point at which you can even begin failing. And if you manage to have the stick-to-it-iveness to continue failing, the succeeding is already queued up.
I guess most importantly, I realized that failing means trying. If you’re failing, you’re in play. You’re creating. You’re pushing. You’re hustling. You’re improving your craft. You’re becoming a master. I decided I’m going to heartily embrace failure, cause it means I’m on my way.
Apparently I’ve always had a thirst for romance and a flair for over-dramatization.
June 12, 1995, age 10:
“Dear Diary, I want someone who I can hold hands with, tell them I love them all the time. I want a guy that will tell me to hold his jacket or sweater or something. I want a guy who will not be shy and he will tell me he loves me all the time, too. Basically, I want a nice, attractive, romantic guy.”
April 20, 1996, age 11:
“Okay, here’s my DREAM DATE!! First it’s about dusk and we take a long walk along the beach. Then we come to a gazebo and it’s got mood lights all around with candles and great supper. After we’re finished there’s a boat on the shore, we cast off. When we’re far away from shore we put down the anchor and take out the seats and we lay down in the bottom of the boat looking up at the stars and rock back and forth.”
December, 1998 (A Dream), age 14:
“I’m riding on an almost empty bus with Brad Pitt. I am sitting with him and talking for a long while. I’m sitting by the window and he’s on on the outside. All of a sudden I lean over and we’re kissing. We kiss for a long time (which is VERY good). We are on the way to Hollywood. But as we get closer Brad turns into a snot. The process is slow, but eventually he is really snotty with a snobby attitude.”
January 3, 1999, age 15:
“Only a year til the Millennium! Happy New Year! Me and X have been seeing each other for about a month now. That is a really long time for me. I’m not sure if I want to commit though. There are so many options, I don’t know if I’m ready to settle down with one person.”
April 7, 2000, age 16:
“Anyways, tonight I went to X’s house with Y and X. We had a big bottle of vodka and I had an empty stomach. Like, half a glass later– Lauren’s hammered. I couldn’t stand up straight, my eyes were fuzzy, I couldn’t see, I was dizzy, slurred words, trouble with co-ordination, etc… so it turns out I’m a destructive drunk.”
Here’s a fun ad-lib from the Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 3 “The Queen’s Justice” in which Jon Snow and Tyrion basically just discuss climate change.
CLIMATE CHANGE = White walkers
GLOBAL WARMING = The dead
OCEAN ACIDIFICATION = The Night King
JON SNOW: GLOBAL WARMING is coming for us all… It’s hard for me the fathom, it really is. If someone told me about CLIMATE CHANGE and OCEAN ACIDIFICATION… You probably don’t believe me. Grumpkins and Snarks, you called them, do you remember? It was all nonsense.
TYRION: It was all nonsense and everybody knew it. But then Mormont saw it, and you saw it and I trust the eyes of an honest man more than I trust what everybody knows.
JON SNOW: How do I convince people who don’t know me that an enemy they don’t believe in is coming to kill them all?
TYRION: People’s minds aren’t made for problems that large. CLIMATE CHANGE, OCEAN ACIDIFICATION, GLOBAL WARMING, it’s almost a relief to confront a familiar monster like my sister.
JON SNOW: I need to help prepare my people for what’s coming.
Total Recall. Beauty and the Beast. Aladdin. The Lion King. Cinderella. A Star is Born. Charmed. Murphy Brown. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Roseanne. Twin Peaks. Will and Grace. Everything that was once good in film is now good again.
I got to thinking: If I’m going to harness the power of the remake for my own career, I need to tap into the origins of film itself. So I reached way back to the 90s — the 1890s — to create the below remake of the very first film: Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat by the Lumière Brothers.
Please enjoy my remake titled Arrival of a Train at Dupont Station.
Below, the original: Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat by the Lumière Brothers.
When I was a little kid my grandmother (or as we called her “Oma”) taught me my first German word: Kartoffel, which means “potato”. At the time, I had no idea how extremely beloved these tubers were to Germans, so in hindsight it makes sense that would be the first word I learned.
After living in Germany for six and a half years as a grownup, I discovered that the only things Germans love more than potatoes are puzzling figures of speech. One such example goes: Die dümmsten Bauern haben die dicksten Kartoffeln! which literally translates to: “The dumbest farmers have the fattest potatoes”.
Over the years, my love of strange German idioms also grew strong and deep like a potato. Here’s a list of some of my (non-potato themed) favourites along with some examples of how to properly use them in English.
- Lass die Kirche im Dorf!
Literally: Leave the church in the village!
In other words: Don’t get carried away.
Example: You don’t want to eat your weight in potatoes? Leave the church in the village!
- Die Arschkarte ziehen
Literally: Pulling the ass card
In other words: Having bad luck
Example: We’re out of potatoes?! We really pulled the ass card today!
- Ich hau mich auf’s Ohr!
Literally: I’m going to throw myself on my ear!
In other words: I’m going to bed.
Example: I’m exhausted from all the potato eating. I think I’ll throw myself on my ear!
- Dumm wie Dosenbrot!
Literally: Dumb as tinned bread!
In other words: Really really dumb.
Example: That guy hates potatoes? He’s dumb as canned bread!
- Eier in der Hose haben
Literally: Having eggs in the pants
In other words: Being brave
Example: Some people like a man with eggs in his pants. Personally, I love a man with potatoes in his pockets!
- Das passt wie die Faust aufs Auge!
Literally: It fits like a fist fits an eye!
In other words: Perfect
Example: A potato in the pot is like a fist fits an eye!
- Pi mal Daumen
Literally: Pi times thumb
In other words: Approximately
Example: Pi times thumb is how much I need potatoes in my life.
- Da haben wir den Salat!
Literally: There we have the salad!
In other words: It’s all fucked up
Example: No potato salad? Now we have the salad there!
- Seinen Senf zu etwas abgeben
Literally: Give your mustard to something
In other words: Give your (unsolicited) two cents
Example: I’ll give my mustard to your potato salad recipe: It’s potatastic!
- Im falschen Film sein
Literally: Being in the wrong movie
In other words: Finding yourself in a strange or confusing situation
Example: Carrots for dinner? I feel like I’m in the wrong movie.
- Die beleidigte Leberwurst spielen
Literally: Playing the offended liverwurst
In other words: Being adorably offended
Example: You act like an offended liverwurst when you go into potato withdrawal.
- Den Löffel abgeben
Literally: Giving up the spoon
In other words: To die
Example: He gave up the spoon! And the potato, too!