The Bachelor — “Everything That’s Wrong with Society”
A gaggle of loathsome female archtypes use their breast implants to gain the favour of some pathetic slag in order to win a quick annulment and .00009 seconds of pseudo-fame.
Jersey Shore — “At Least You’re Not These Assholes”
A group of human-like apes dressed in club clothing drink hard liquor, rub genitals and throw feces at each other in an attempt to make its viewers thankful for their own ability to distinguish between literature and cuss-words sprayed in piss on the side of a public building.
Kim and Kourtney take New York — “Who Let These Ninnies Get Famous?”
Two useless twats compete to be the most vacuous female ever born by seeing who can complain more about things people in the third world have never heard of.
Miami Ink — “Defy Your Parents”:
A group of inky losers prevent others from ever getting 9 to 5 jobs.
Toddlers in Tiaras — “America’s Next Underage Sex Symbol”
Psychotic mothers provide closeted pedophiles free access to legal child pornography.
Pimp My Ride — “Penis Envy”
A hack rapper helps young men announce to the world that they have abnormally small genitals.
Ghost Hunters — “Yup… Still No Ghosts”
Paranormal “experts” sit in abandoned buildings and whisper “Did you hear that?” to each other for 47 minutes straight.
So You Think You Can Dance — “Yes, They Can All Dance”
A group of celebrated dancers no one has ever heard of compliment other, lesser known dancers, until at least two thirds of them shed tears of joy and are never heard from again.
Teen Mom — “Too Dumb for Condoms”
Delinquent children rub genitals in order to produce more delinquent children and are shocked to discover that babies are harder than grade eight math.
Big Brother — “Like Rehab but Sadder”
A group of depressing D-list celebrities agree to check themselves out of their current rehab facilities and accept a few hundred dollars to further publicly degrade themselves.
Hell’s Kitchen — “Public Flogging with Sass on the Side”
Aspiring chefs are verbally flagellated by a sadistic cuisinier.
The Biggest Loser — “Fat Shaming”
Obese people are humiliated in an attempt to correct irreparable self-confidence issues that caused them to become obese in the first place.
America’s Next Top Model — “America’s Next Ugly Cry”
Undernourished girls attempt to avoid bursting into tears while trying to impress a former supermodel.
American Idol — “Hasn’t Every US Citizen Sung for You Yet?”
Former popstar judges scrape the bottom of the US talent barrel looking for the next completely irrelevant sensation.
The Voice — “We are NOT American Idol”
A totally different group of former popstars scrape the bottom of the same US talent barrel looking for the next completely irrelevant sensation.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians — “God Save Us All”
Proof that the apocalypse truly is nigh (and has been since 2007).
[Resurrected from my old blog; originally posted on January 9, 2012. Now revamped and updated with today’s latest reality shows!]